How to Talk To Your Teenager About Relationships
Does your teen have a crush on someone? Not sure how to talk to them about relationships? Shafia Zaloom, health educator and author of Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between, offers specific advice about when to have these conversations and what to say.
Full Transcript below
Your Teen for Parents:
Today I'm here with Shafia Zaloom, author and health educator at the urban school. So Shafia we got a request in from a parent asking about talking to your 14-year-old son when they first start dating. It's not a new question and most of us don't do a good job with this. So tell us what that conversation looks like.
Shafia Zaloom:
Well again with all conversations you know young people need an environment free of judgment, shame, guilt all those things to share with open honesty. Also when thinking about the context in the context of the conversation we're collecting moments right. So we're having it we're scaffolding it over time it's not one big gigantic talk although you know you can allow your kids questions to guide how deeply you go into one particular topic. Also, I would think especially you know one to one conversations can be really intimate and intimidating to a kid. And so if you can do it while you're engaged in an activity while you're in the car because both you know you're looking forward it doesn't feel as intensely intimate when you're walking. Taking a walk in the neighborhood if you're setting the table together or they're helping you cook dinner you know during those times when things are a little more casual when you're engaged in some sort of activities. There's something physical going on and you can sort of have a less formal conversation. I think those tend to be the ones that set us up for the greatest success and are most conducive to honest sharing.
Your Teen for Parents:
So the moment we ask the question the answer we get as well is not a one-time conversation. Great. Yeah. And it's one that's been going on for a long time. So for somebody who's asking the question right now their son has just entered into this space and they're like Oh my God I don't know where the time went but I never did my job up until now.
Shafia Zaloom:
Yeah. I mean part of it is no matter where you start it still is.This collection of moments and so if you're starting at 14 if you're starting at 16 you know good for you like really that you're that you found the courage it's really hard that we found the courage and we want to embrace the opportunity. So you know be mindful of the context that we just talked about. If you're launching and this is the beginning just to say you know I I know that you're going to be going on to high school or whatever the transition is that has inspired the thinking. Just be transparent to say I've realized now suddenly that you're 14 and there's a lot of information that I want you to know about certain things. It can be an awkward topic. I hope that we can get to a place where it isn't. But I'd like us to start a conversation about what it's like to explore relationships with other people. And I and you can say within a romantic and or sexual context and you can acknowledge and to say I know that you're exposed to a lot of different messages about sexuality like through the media. I mean this shows you're watching the music you listen to probably your friends. And I just want to make sure that you understand as a family what we care about because first and foremost we care about you and we really want those relationships and those experiences that you have to you know be on your terms in something that feels good to you. And so you know what that looks, sounds and feels like something I'm hoping we can actually talk about without getting too cringy.I promise not to get too cringy. We may have to once in a while but it is for me too. So just know that we're gonna get through it together.
Your Teen for Parents:
And I love that first of all. I was thinking OK that's where they roll their eyes. That's where they roll their eyes. That's right. So there's so much opportunity for that but you still plow through that that we've learned to read. You plow through the eye roll. But the idea like in this particular case it’s a mom who is gonna talk to her 14-year-old son who is dating a girl and there is a whole context of telling what do we tell a boy, do we tell a boy where I am worried about you, I wanted to feel good for you in a world where there is this much bigger context about consent and all these other components.
Shafia Zaloom:
I think it is really important if you use that word that can be explicit and that the next case I think is essential in conversation is that we get explicit about the values that we have been talking about all along. So, I feel like most parents want to raise our kids to be good people and that all along we have been actually doing a lot more scaffolding than giving yourself credit for. That you emphasized how you treat each other matters. When there were disagreements between friends, we talked about, so how do we use our words to express ourselves. And how do we say sorry in a way that is sincere when it is warranted. And how do we accept an apology, how do we if there are siblings in the home and how do we deal with disagreements? All of those things are the foundation for how to have healthy relationships no matter what the context, right? So you already have been doing, so go ahead and pat yourself in the back and feel pretty good about that now you are just being listening concretely about what that looks like in a different context. And now there is this new context. And so you could just say that there is this new context and feel like you really got in this so many concepts that we have been trying to teach you as faith as being part of our family. And now there is this different context. Context is everything when it comes to relationships. So now there is a different one, where respect actually would like. What does that mean in this different context?
Your Teen for Parents:
Are we offering that up or we are asking our kids to have a conversation so what does respect look like to you?
Shafia Zaloom:
I would ask that if you are not getting much and that’s probably what’s gonna happen in this first couple of conversations depending on your kids even I have one kid who can’t stop talking. I have another kid who is like a pain to get them to express anything. And there’s the third one who is often a hybrid of the two. So, I think it really depends on your relationship with your kids and how talkative they are. Some kids are incredibly private, some are really self-conscious. This is a new context to remember. So they are just starting to experience it themselves and may not have the language yet but feel they have the language to talk to you about it and they may not even know what they feel yet.I think that’s where we leave with them could be. And we can this fabulous book, permission to feel by mark bracket. It talks about how we must expand our vocabulary when it comes to feeling so that they can express themselves accurately and effectively. They’re emotional about these experiences. There’s an act that goes with it called the mood meter, great thing to start with, and to say I think it is important especially if you start to initiate this kind of relationship that you have the language to be able to talk about them with the person you are with but that can also so we can have a conversation. I can have a conversation with you in case anything comes up that we need to discuss.
Your Teen for Parents:
I love all the language you are giving us because I think that is where we fall short. We are supposed to know the language to teach our kids who don’t know that language but we also don’t know the language either. So one of the things is that this is like the very first for many of us where we are no longer going to be part of a relationship so there is this tendency of wanting to know how do you want to feel then and how do you feel now? And how last night and how yesterday. And so the idea that we are trying to raise them to be good people but we also don’t have access to all the information we want to feel confident and less worried about what’s happening.
Shafia Zaloom:
I think we have to have a certain level of self-awareness to know that and to know like and I have to check myself a lot of the time too when it comes to just curious about and just really wanna know because I am the mom and I am really curious. And what is actually the important information or what do I need to know so I can feel confident that they are engaged in something that is healthy and safe. And you can be transparent to say that, I know that I get curious and I know that your privacy is important to you.and I need to feel like I have a basic understanding so I can feel assured that what you are doing is healthy and safe. Because that is ultimately what is important to us. Let’s come up with some words, some code words when you feel like I am prying and I am overly curious for my own benefit. You could say something like mom, are you being too curious? You know, or something like that. And if there is actually something that is about health and safety, you just say that okay, we need to have a moment about health and safety. So you are just being clear and explicit with what you are communicating about. And you know, going back to that it really starts with the basics. So what is respect in a relationship, it’s treating others how they want to be treated. There is a big misconception about adults making some mistakes too. They think respect is treating others how you want to be treated. That’s actually now what it is. And how would you know someone wants to be treated. You can ask your kid and if they shrug their shoulders and say you don’t know, so you have to actually pay attention and listen. You can draw on their relationship with class. It is important for kids to understand because it is a misconception that somehow romantic intersexual relationships are very different from the other ones we have on our daily lives. And they actually do not. And that we need to normalize so those things that we value in our everyday relationships are actually the foundation of what you are trying to build in a romantic or sexual relationship. So trust, being able to have fun, feeling accepted like you can be yourself, loyalty, honesty. All these different things that we appreciate the most within our relationships with each other. The same things we should respect in our relationships that are romantic and intersexual and that they should expect from us, the people who are in it with us. It is shared and then that introduces that whole concept of it needs to mean the same thing for both people for it to be healthy. So that’s kind of the kid language to start with. That healthy relationship should mean the same thing for both people who are in it. And what does that mean right, so for instance, most people believe that a relationship between two people who are a whole lot older than each other between yours it can’t mean the same thing. Because there is such a big age difference. So there’s an example. Or some people may feel like they need to be in a relationship, so they can have something to talk to their friends about. And then the other person doesn’t actually care about or genuinely likes the other person. That’s not a healthy relationship because it doesn’t mean the same. So there are a bunch of questions that I actually come up with that I offer parents that they can use in these conversations with their kids. And remember you are just picking one or two for one of those moments. And then you can move on, and select another for another time. But a good question is their trust. What is a trust? What is the embodied feeling of trust? Where do you feel trusting another person of your life? And what does that actually feel like in your body, and what are the stories and things that you do together that reveal the trust, right? So guide them a little bit to think about those things, to reflect upon them then to verbalize them, to articulate them. And the other is you know, are you comfortable being with yourself with this person. And do you understand consent? And if what you want, is the same thing from being together. And you know consent is a really important concept and for kids, it really is just listening to how people want to be treated and letting people know how you want to be treated. Are you able to do that? And have you thought about why you want to express feelings to this person in certain ways like what is that about? And have you thought about how you may want to express those feelings physically?
Your Teen for Parents:
So, all of those questions are not happening at the same time. Like were in the kitchen cooking and we have to know one, tonight will be one question.
Shafia Zaloom:
Yeah, hide it in your recipe book or something. Stick it in your phone. I’ve always thought that I should come up with an app where you have like the question of the day and be selective and part of it is your own self-awareness in reaping the moment of what question would be appropriate. And part of it is practice and organic conversation. Be genuinely curious, and allow your kids be an expert in their own experience. I think that it really is important that we tend to want to incorporate, impose and terrify our kids in at least different ways and I think what’s really important is that we talk less and listen more but we prompt them with these really important questions that communicate what we think is important and so we’re doing that.
Your Teen for Parents:
So, Shafia Zaloom, this was brilliant. I think it’s so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Shafia Zaloom:
You’re so welcome. Thanks for your interest.